Many individuals find it challenging to communicate their sexual desires and kinks to their partners. Talking about sex, especially the more adventurous aspects, can feel vulnerable and awkward. However, talking about desires can deepen intimacy and create a space for shared exploration and pleasure. Here are some tips to help navigate this important conversation:
1. Practice in Private Sometimes just getting the words out of our mouths is hard. If you find yourself uncomfortable just saying aloud the things you want, practice alone. On your drive home from the office or while in the shower try giving a voice to your desires. Say the words you want to be able to use without feeling awkward. Hearing your own voice saying the things you want is empowering and can be a great way to get over the fear of being tongue-tied or nervous when someone else is present.
2. Create a Safe and Comfortable Space Avoid springing the topic during a rushed morning or in the middle of a stressful situation. Select a time when the mood is relaxed, comfortable, and you have ample time to talk. Consider a cozy evening at home, a weekend getaway, or lazy Sunday morning. Make sure there will be no interruptions by silencing phones and finding a space where both partners can speak freely without fear of being overheard.
3. Start with Open and Honest Communication. More than 90 studies show a strong link between sexual communication, relationship satisfaction, and sexual satisfaction. Start by framing desires in terms of personal feelings and experiences, and remember to be direct. Say exactly what you want, without being accusatory. Don’t say “you never…”, but rather “I want to try exploring…”. Remember that communication is a two-way street and pay attention to your partners’ reactions, both verbal and nonverbal. Ask clarifying questions and show genuine interest in their thoughts and feelings. If there is hesitation or nervousness, acknowledge their feelings without judgment. Say something like, “I get that this might feel new or unfamiliar, and I appreciate your willingness to discuss this.”
4. Educate and Explore Together. When exploring a specific kink or desire, share articles, books, or videos that explain it in a positive and informative way. This can help your partner(s) understand the interest and dispel misconceptions, especially if your kink is unfamiliar to them. Frame the exploration as a fun and exciting adventure. Emphasize the potential for shared pleasure and discovery. Additionally, this is a great time to establish clear boundaries and limits. Discuss what each partner is comfortable with and respect each other’s boundaries. Remember, enthusiastic consent is crucial. Consider individually creating “Want, Will, & Won’t” lists. This is a safe way to show each other what each partner is desiring, open to now or in the future, and things they absolutely will not do. As you are exploring together, begin with small steps and gradually increase the intensity as both partners feel more comfortable.
5. Maintain Ongoing Communication. It may take time for both partners to feel completely comfortable discussing and exploring their sexual desires. Be patient, understanding, and supportive of each other. Continue to communicate openly about sexual desires and experiences. Research shows that regular relationship check-ins lead to positive outcomes by strengthening intimacy, acceptance and satisfaction. Continue to acknowledge and celebrate progress in communicating and exploring sexuality. This can reinforce positive communication patterns and strengthen the connection.
As you continue to explore your own desires, remember that sexuality is a journey, not a destination. Open and honest communication is the foundation of a healthy and fulfilling sex life. By following these tips, you can create a safe and supportive environment for exploring sexual desires and deepening intimacy with your partners. If you are having difficulty getting started on your own, please schedule a consultation with me for individualized help!
Willow Intimacy 